LAST Blog: Planning Communication Style with Future Life Partner

Assignment: How do you plan on communicating with your future life partner about how you two will communicate in the relationship.

In order to establish how communication will happen in our relationship I think it's important to first explain what "real communication" is to each of us.

I'll explain that real communication to me is openly and honestly asking intuitive questions, actively listening to each others responses, and attentively observing each others non-verbals for signs of patterns that can lead to the authentic feelings and meanings behind the words we're saying.

As a communication major I have a textbook type of definition for real communication but I can explain what I mean simply by using examples so that my partner understands where I'm coming from.

I'll also explain what Meta-Communication is because I think it's a major instigator and escalator of arguments. I'll firmly state that we won't focus on how each of us is saying something (I mean we will pay attention to tone of voice as a way to determine what the other persons feeling emotionally about the topic we are discussing, but we won't become defensive if the other persons voice is loud) but instead use real communication and focus on what we're trying to say.

Also, instead of saying "we need to talk" every time a problem arises, I'll automatically ask non-argumentative questions that don't put the blame on anyone but just brings the issue to the forefront for us to think about and solve together.

Non-verbals play a part in communication so I think it's important for both of us to observe the ways in which we show our emotions non-verbally. Most couples are able to tell if one another are nervous, sad, angry, etc. non-verbally and it's important to notice what mood both of us are in and to also pay attention to what might be causing these emotions. In order to do that we have to actively listen to what each other has said about their day, or what happened yesterday or what is happening in the future and also the distant past might come into play. 

Like what if one of us had something bad happen to them in the past and every time something similar to that past experience is happening it triggers an emotional response, it's important for the partner to recognize when the response is triggered and either help calm down the partner or find a way to remove us from the experience or the thing that's triggering the response.

In conclusion, I think that communication will only work in a relationship if both partners understand each others communication styles. For example, me and my "wife" today in class discussed jealously and how a partner can misinterpret non-verbal communication and think their partner is flirting with someone. If we establish what flirting is, if we observe how each of us naturally communicates non-verbally then we will not misinterpret nonverbal ques as flirtation. We have to be observant, we have to be respectful, we have to be open and honest about what we are feeling, we have to listen attentively and not just brush off what each other is saying as nothing. It takes real effort to have a good relationship, yes arguments will always occur but it's the way we finish an argument that's most important. If we each leave feeling like we came out winners, we'll grow stronger as a couple.

Family Communication and Holiday Celebration

Assignment: Give instructions about how my family celebrates holidays.

My family celebrates Christmas but we've never celebrated it in a consistent way. My Mom and Dad are divorced and the only one in the family who seems enthusiastic to keep the family "traditions" alive is my sister who usually organizes Thanksgiving.

When it comes to Christmas I honestly don't like the holidays but by default of having to stay with family over winter break after   being forced out of the dorms I usually end up at my sisters who has a tree and expects me to contribute something. Since I haven't had a steady job in the past around the holidays I wasn't able to buy presents. This year because I have a job I guess I'll have to buy something for everyone.

In terms of giving instructions for how we celebrate the holiday, I can't really do it from my entire families perspective but through giving you the way I approach family holidays I hope you'll get the gist of how my family contributes to the process.

1st: Figure out where Christmas is celebrated this is usually at my sisters and moms house, but for Thanksgiving we sometimes celebrate it at my dad's house if we wanted a bigger celebration.

2nd: Assess the financial situation and determine if you can give anything this holiday. Due to sometimes being jobless over winter break I'm unable to give gifts and this sometimes means I don't receive any either. The only people in my family that consistently receive gifts on Christmas are my 5 and 2 year old Nephews.

3rd: Prepare for the longest 3 to 4 days of the year. I dislike holiday session so I have to do something to get through what seems like a very long time but is really just Christmas Eve, Day and a day or two after X-mas that I'm not able to leave my Sisters house because no one will give me a ride to my dad's where I can be independent and I have my own room. In order to get through Christmas at my Sisters I have to remember to bring things to distract me like my laptop or a good book. I always bring my own things so that I'm not fighting with anyone over control over the television.

4th: Usually my sister cooks, my mom cooked when we were kids but now my sister is the number one cooker. Although I don't help with any cooking when my sisters the main chef, I'm usually forced to do the dishes. So I mentally prepare myself for my sisters nagging about me not helping to cook so I better do the dishes. On the other hand, sometimes we have dinner at my dad's house and if that's the case my dad has a long time girlfriend who is like a Step Mom to us and on special occasions she usually serves as the main chef. At my dad's house I'm expected to help cook which usually entails chopping and cutting ingredients while my "step mom" or sister do the real cooking.

5th: Christmas day traditions have somewhat changed over the years because of the addition of my nephews and my dad's girlfriend and sisters boyfriend and the fact that my twin brother became a Marian and is currently in Japan. Traditionally we wake up, someone starts making breakfast (definitely not me), the nephews annoy me by running around and getting into stuff or crying about something, after breakfast we open gifts and we spend the rest of the day doing nothing, or something by ourselves. The holiday usually ends abruptly after opening presents and we go back to ignoring each other and being a distant family.

In conclusion, I guess the main advice about my family holiday celebrations that I can give you is to be very flexible and don't get your hopes up (or disappointment is imminent). Although something festive usually happens it's never celebrated the same way every year and instability is always a significant factor in my family.