LAST Blog: Planning Communication Style with Future Life Partner

Assignment: How do you plan on communicating with your future life partner about how you two will communicate in the relationship.

In order to establish how communication will happen in our relationship I think it's important to first explain what "real communication" is to each of us.

I'll explain that real communication to me is openly and honestly asking intuitive questions, actively listening to each others responses, and attentively observing each others non-verbals for signs of patterns that can lead to the authentic feelings and meanings behind the words we're saying.

As a communication major I have a textbook type of definition for real communication but I can explain what I mean simply by using examples so that my partner understands where I'm coming from.

I'll also explain what Meta-Communication is because I think it's a major instigator and escalator of arguments. I'll firmly state that we won't focus on how each of us is saying something (I mean we will pay attention to tone of voice as a way to determine what the other persons feeling emotionally about the topic we are discussing, but we won't become defensive if the other persons voice is loud) but instead use real communication and focus on what we're trying to say.

Also, instead of saying "we need to talk" every time a problem arises, I'll automatically ask non-argumentative questions that don't put the blame on anyone but just brings the issue to the forefront for us to think about and solve together.

Non-verbals play a part in communication so I think it's important for both of us to observe the ways in which we show our emotions non-verbally. Most couples are able to tell if one another are nervous, sad, angry, etc. non-verbally and it's important to notice what mood both of us are in and to also pay attention to what might be causing these emotions. In order to do that we have to actively listen to what each other has said about their day, or what happened yesterday or what is happening in the future and also the distant past might come into play. 

Like what if one of us had something bad happen to them in the past and every time something similar to that past experience is happening it triggers an emotional response, it's important for the partner to recognize when the response is triggered and either help calm down the partner or find a way to remove us from the experience or the thing that's triggering the response.

In conclusion, I think that communication will only work in a relationship if both partners understand each others communication styles. For example, me and my "wife" today in class discussed jealously and how a partner can misinterpret non-verbal communication and think their partner is flirting with someone. If we establish what flirting is, if we observe how each of us naturally communicates non-verbally then we will not misinterpret nonverbal ques as flirtation. We have to be observant, we have to be respectful, we have to be open and honest about what we are feeling, we have to listen attentively and not just brush off what each other is saying as nothing. It takes real effort to have a good relationship, yes arguments will always occur but it's the way we finish an argument that's most important. If we each leave feeling like we came out winners, we'll grow stronger as a couple.

Family Communication and Holiday Celebration

Assignment: Give instructions about how my family celebrates holidays.

My family celebrates Christmas but we've never celebrated it in a consistent way. My Mom and Dad are divorced and the only one in the family who seems enthusiastic to keep the family "traditions" alive is my sister who usually organizes Thanksgiving.

When it comes to Christmas I honestly don't like the holidays but by default of having to stay with family over winter break after   being forced out of the dorms I usually end up at my sisters who has a tree and expects me to contribute something. Since I haven't had a steady job in the past around the holidays I wasn't able to buy presents. This year because I have a job I guess I'll have to buy something for everyone.

In terms of giving instructions for how we celebrate the holiday, I can't really do it from my entire families perspective but through giving you the way I approach family holidays I hope you'll get the gist of how my family contributes to the process.

1st: Figure out where Christmas is celebrated this is usually at my sisters and moms house, but for Thanksgiving we sometimes celebrate it at my dad's house if we wanted a bigger celebration.

2nd: Assess the financial situation and determine if you can give anything this holiday. Due to sometimes being jobless over winter break I'm unable to give gifts and this sometimes means I don't receive any either. The only people in my family that consistently receive gifts on Christmas are my 5 and 2 year old Nephews.

3rd: Prepare for the longest 3 to 4 days of the year. I dislike holiday session so I have to do something to get through what seems like a very long time but is really just Christmas Eve, Day and a day or two after X-mas that I'm not able to leave my Sisters house because no one will give me a ride to my dad's where I can be independent and I have my own room. In order to get through Christmas at my Sisters I have to remember to bring things to distract me like my laptop or a good book. I always bring my own things so that I'm not fighting with anyone over control over the television.

4th: Usually my sister cooks, my mom cooked when we were kids but now my sister is the number one cooker. Although I don't help with any cooking when my sisters the main chef, I'm usually forced to do the dishes. So I mentally prepare myself for my sisters nagging about me not helping to cook so I better do the dishes. On the other hand, sometimes we have dinner at my dad's house and if that's the case my dad has a long time girlfriend who is like a Step Mom to us and on special occasions she usually serves as the main chef. At my dad's house I'm expected to help cook which usually entails chopping and cutting ingredients while my "step mom" or sister do the real cooking.

5th: Christmas day traditions have somewhat changed over the years because of the addition of my nephews and my dad's girlfriend and sisters boyfriend and the fact that my twin brother became a Marian and is currently in Japan. Traditionally we wake up, someone starts making breakfast (definitely not me), the nephews annoy me by running around and getting into stuff or crying about something, after breakfast we open gifts and we spend the rest of the day doing nothing, or something by ourselves. The holiday usually ends abruptly after opening presents and we go back to ignoring each other and being a distant family.

In conclusion, I guess the main advice about my family holiday celebrations that I can give you is to be very flexible and don't get your hopes up (or disappointment is imminent). Although something festive usually happens it's never celebrated the same way every year and instability is always a significant factor in my family.

I'm all over the Web

These are a few websites that my name appears. The first being the UWRF website where I talk about what being a UWRF student has taught me and what my aspirations are for the future. The second is the Choice USA website where I'm on their Board of Directors. The third is from back when I was a County Board Supervisor in Pierce County. The fourth/fifth are from a website I created with the help of my friend and running mate Patrick Okan when we were running for Student Senate with a group that we called "Vote 4 Change." Unfortunately we weren't as successful as we hoped to be but we had fun running and we were the most creative, you'll see us again in the Spring getting out the vote!!

This blog was mainly to encourage everyone to see how much visibility you have on the net. You might be surprised at how much information is out there about you!!

My Family Roles in 2025

Well, being a futuristic idealist I have major visions for what the future potentially holds, and in a world I hope to help shape, life in 2025 is much more tolerant than it is today. With that said my family will be non-traditional because I'm 100% unconventional and love to push the envelop in every way.

1st: I won't get married until all people can get married to who ever they love, so until gay marriage is legal I'm not signing a marriage contract which means me and my partner will either be in a domestic partnership or have nothing binding each other to one another.

2nd: I'm queer so I have no clue who I'll be marrying, as a pan-sexual I don't believe in limiting my sexuality to the binary mutually exclusive system society holds onto so tightly. Although I've only dated men, I won't rule out the fact that I might fall in love with a woman or even a trans-man or woman. So just based on if I don't "marry" a man I won't be living in a traditional family.

3rd: I plan on working full-time but depending on my income, I wouldn't mind my partner (whatever gender) being a stay at home parent, because I plan on having over 5 kids.

4th: I plan on having over 5 kids which is nontraditional.

5th: I do plan on having a commitment ceremony in place of the wedding but it will be similar to Jennifer's wedding because we'll have attendants instead of bridesmaids and groomsmen.

6th: I don't cook so most likely my partner will have to, which depending on who it is that will be nontraditional.

7th: Both of us will share all of the duties, it might not be equally but we won't have set responsibilities, everything will be determined by situation. Like who takes the kids here or there and who makes/purchases dinner. We will all be in constant communication about who does what and when.

8th: There is a 80% chance that my partner will be mixed or of a different cultural background then me. I just like diversity in every aspect of my life, what can I say!

I think that's about it... as you can tell my family will be anything but traditional and in my made up world that would work but in reality I doubt the world would have changed eons in 2025 so I'll face a lot of challenges because of my unwillingness to stick with the status quo.

My Family Communication Rules

List two communication rules your family uses or used when you were growing up.

1. Don't talk about Religion... unless it's pro-Jesus
Once when I was about 10 years old me and my family minus My Dad who was at work were all sitting around the living room and I brought of the topic of Christmas asking why do we have to celebrate it. My mom told me not to question it, using the common parental response "because we just do and that's how it is." Well... similar to how I am now, I don't like blindly following rules without explanation so I responded that I'm not celebrating Christmas because I think it's stupid... you can understand how that didn't go over so well.. I learned that day that religion isn't a good family bonding subject to talk about.

2. Sex/Sexual orientation and Relationships
I don't remember the "talk" probably because me and my siblings never had it, so I did a lot of research on the internet... which wasn't that great of a teacher. I did once have a conversation about sexual orientation with my sister and it got really heated... I can imagine how that conversation would go over with the rest of my family.

Vote for YP4 - Pepsi Refresh Everything

Change the World Movie

Change the World Movie: "Change the World. I truly believe that most of the time...less is more. Sometimes, certain things viewed in certain ways have the ability to make an impact on our life in a positive way. I think Eleanor Roosevelt said it best, "It is not fair to ask of others, what you are unwilling to do yourself""

Family Root Metaphors and Family Themes

Family Communications Blog Exercise:

Root Metaphors: "We're the A Team", a group of strangers picked to live in a house on Atherton Street.

Family Theme: "Our similarities are what unites us, our diverse perspectives are what ignite us, our mission is to save the world, we are the A Team."

Weeds: A Closer Look At the Botwin Family

The following 4 clips are from the HBO TV series Weeds about a newly widowed suburban house wife and mother of two (now 3) who resorts to dealing pot in order to keep up her cushy lifestyle.  

Shane Botwin Speaks At Graduation

Shane Beheads a Little Girl

Isabelle Put in Suprise Choke Hole by Mom

Nancy Flips Out

Nancy might be a misguided mother most of the time but she loves her kids. The Botwin family consist of:

Nancy (Mom)

Silas (Oldest Son)

Shane (Youngest Son)

Andy (Uncle)

 The nanny and housekeeper Lupita

The boys dad (Judah) died before the show began, and his brother Andy has always been a part of the boys life but he begins to step up  into a more parental role.

In Weeds there is another dysfunctional family, the Hodes:

Isabelle

Celia

Dean

Weeds depicts family life in a unique way because it disrupts the concept of suburban life and showcases an insidious underground where "stanford wife" like characters such as Celia Hodes and Nancy Botwin become drug lords. Silas and Shane are thrown into a dangerous environment and Nancy has to go to great lengths to protect them from the business but in the end their exposure to drug trade makes it appealing to them. This makes Nancy's job as a mother even more difficult because not only does she have to keep them away from the often dangerous people she does business with, she now has to keep them from going into the dealing business themselves. On the other side, the Hodes family is dealing with divorce and cheating and all sorts of drama causing a different set of problems for the daughter of the family Isabelle who is a friend of Shane. For the Botwin's, family means sticking together even when someone is running from the police for.. setting an entire suburb on fire or killing someone with a croquet mallet, no matter what Nancy will always have an escape plan and Andy will tag along for comedic relief.

The first clip is a testament to Nancy's kind of horrible parenting skills, as her son Shane gives a pretty provocative speech and all Nancy can do is worry about herself when she spots a detective whose after her. Notice Andy sitting back and egging him on... that's really his form of parenting.

The second clip is another testament to Nancy's parenting as Shane decides to film a video of himself beheading a neighborhood girl. In this clip Andy again isn't much help.


The third clip is of Celia and Isabelle Hodes and it depicts how Celia parents.. not very well, she was recently released from prison for being a drug lord and is having trouble adjusting to life on the outside. Notice how Isabelle just brushes off the choke hold, I think she's kind of use to it by now.


The Forth Clip is of Nancy and the whole family including Lupita, after a devastating event, Nancy chooses to vent in an unconventional way. By stripping and jumping into the pool... just a normal day for the Botwin's!